Dr. Solomon Laktineh

Article

How to raise an emotionally intelligent child

After 45 years in pediatrics, I am convinced this is the single most important thing parents can focus on. Here is what emotional intelligence actually means for kids, why it matters, and the daily practices that build it.

Emotional intelligence is the ability to recognize what you feel, manage what you feel, recognize what others feel, and use that information to act well. For children, it is the foundation that supports almost everything else: friendships, learning, sleep, behavior, and the long-term ability to handle disappointment without falling apart.

Why emotional intelligence matters more than people think

Decades of long-term research, and 45 years of watching families up close, point to the same conclusion. Children with higher emotional intelligence have stronger friendships, do better in school over time, are less prone to anxiety and depression, and recover more quickly from the inevitable hard moments of growing up. They are also, frankly, easier to live with.

Emotional intelligence is not a personality trait you are born with or without. It is a set of skills that can be taught, practiced, and grown. The most powerful place to grow them is in everyday life at home, in small moments, with calm and curious adults.

5 daily practices that build emotional intelligence

  1. Name feelings out loud, including your own

    When you are tired, say so. 'I am feeling frustrated. I am going to take a few breaths.' When your child looks upset, name what you see. 'You look really disappointed.' This builds emotional vocabulary, which is the first tool of emotional intelligence.

  2. Let your child feel hard feelings without rescuing immediately

    If your child is sad about a friend, do not rush to cheer them up. Sit with them. 'That sounds really hard.' The message you send is: feelings are safe in this house, and I can handle yours.

  3. Coach, do not lecture, after a tough moment

    After your child has calmed down, ask brief, real questions. 'What was going on for you? What might you try next time?' Short and curious beats long and corrective every time.

  4. Apologize when you mess up

    You will lose your temper. You will say things you regret. The repair, where you go back, name what you did, and apologize, is what teaches your child that strong relationships survive ruptures. That is one of the most important emotional skills they will ever learn.

  5. Read together, even with older kids

    Stories give you a low-pressure way to talk about feelings, choices, and what people are thinking. Picture books for little ones. Chapter books, then full novels, for older kids. Talk about what the characters are feeling and why.

Common mistakes, and what works better

What to do

  • Acknowledge feelings before fixing the problem
  • Let your child have small, age-appropriate struggles
  • Model your own emotional regulation out loud
  • Use repair and apology when you mess up

What not to do

  • Telling your child not to feel what they feel
  • Rescuing too quickly so they never learn to recover
  • Hiding all your feelings to seem in control
  • Demanding apologies you are not willing to model

What emotional intelligence is not

Emotional intelligence is not the absence of limits. It is not about letting children do whatever they feel like. It is not soft. The most emotionally intelligent kids I have cared for over 45 years have parents who hold firm, kind, age-appropriate limits, and who treat their child's feelings about those limits with respect. The combination of warmth and firmness is the secret.

Frequently asked

At what age should I start?
From birth. Even infants are reading your emotional state. The more concrete practices, like naming feelings together, work beautifully starting around 18 months and only get easier as language develops.
What if my child seems naturally emotional?
That is a strength, not a problem. Highly feeling kids often grow into perceptive, deeply connected adults. Your job is to teach them how to regulate, not to teach them to feel less.
What if I was not raised this way?
You are not alone. Most parents Dr. Solomon works with did not grow up with explicit emotional coaching. The good news is that you can learn alongside your child. You do not need a perfect model. You need a willing one.
Will this make my child too sensitive?
No. Emotional literacy makes children more resilient, not less. They learn to recover from setbacks rather than be flattened by them.
Where can I learn more?
Watch the YouTube channel for short videos by topic, or read the book Raising Emotionally Intelligent Children for the full framework.

Related reading: toddler tantrums and discipline without punishment. Want to talk through your specific child? Book an online consultation.

Want help applying this with your child?

30 private minutes with Dr. Solomon. Bring your specific situation.