Dr. Solomon Laktineh

Article

Sibling rivalry, what actually helps

The reasons brothers and sisters fight, what to do in the moment, and the longer game of building a real relationship between your kids.

After forty-five years sitting with families, I have learned something that surprises most parents. Sibling rivalry is not a bug. It is part of how children develop the skills of negotiation, repair, and emotional regulation. Your job is not to eliminate it. Your job is to coach the resolution.

Why siblings fight

The same reasons adults disagree. Limited resources, sometimes attention from the parent. Different temperaments under one roof. Tired bodies. Hungry bellies. The need to test where they stand in the family. None of these are pathology. All of them are workable.

Five moves that reduce fighting over time

  1. One-on-one time with each child

    Even fifteen minutes a day, on their terms. This is the single most effective move I know for reducing rivalry. A connected child fights less for attention.

  2. Refuse to be the referee

    When a fight starts, do not rush in to assign blame. Coach them through resolving it. 'Tell each other what you need.' This is a long lesson, not a one-time fix.

  3. Avoid comparisons

    Do not say 'why can't you be more like your sister.' Each child is on their own arc. Comparison cements rivalry as the family pattern.

  4. Name strengths separately

    Each child has a place. Help each one know what theirs is, in your eyes. Not a competition. Just a place.

  5. Discipline the behavior, not the child

    'I will not let you hit your brother' is a clean limit. 'You are mean to him' is an identity statement that becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

The new baby effect

A new sibling rearranges the older child's world. Some regression is normal. Carve out exclusive time with the older child every day, even fifteen minutes, and acknowledge the loss as well as the gain. Most of the resentment fades within a few months when the older child still feels seen.

When to ask for help

If one child is being physically hurt regularly. If one child is afraid of the other. If the cruelty has become persistent and verbal. If you are walking on eggshells in your own home. These are signals that the family system needs more support than a parenting article can offer.

Frequently asked

Is sibling rivalry normal?
Yes. Some friction between siblings is universal and even useful for learning negotiation, repair, and emotional regulation. The goal is not zero conflict. The goal is conflict that resolves.
Should I always intervene?
Most of the time, no. Step in for safety, for severe verbal cruelty, or when one child is clearly being overwhelmed. Otherwise, let them work it out as much as their developmental skills allow.
How do I handle when one sibling hits the other?
Calmly stop the hit. Make sure the hit child is okay. Then, with both children, name what happened, the limit, and what to do instead. Discipline the action, not the child.
Why does the older child hate the new baby?
Because their world has been rearranged. Acknowledge the loss as well as the gain. Carve out one-on-one time with the older child every day, even just fifteen minutes.
When is it more than rivalry?
Severe physical aggression, persistent cruelty, or one child who lives in fear of the other are signs that the family system needs help, not just the kids.

Related: discipline without punishment and raising emotionally intelligent children. Book a consultation to talk through your specific family.

Tired of being the family referee?

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